Trudy the great dane does not like the cold. She shivers and clacks her teeth at a mere cool breeze. So when she saw two feet of snow in the yard, she decided her dainty paws were not going anywhere near that white stuff. The dog has been known to hold her pee for about 24 hours or longer depending on circumstances. Aside from leaning on people with her full body weight, it may be her only trick. However her bladder and bowels finally gave out on our floor this morning and as I dealt with this annoyance I noticed my anxious self creeping in. Always related to something I cannot control; my mind starts to do a dance. But I also felt relieved to know that I did not need to go there. Those circular anxious thoughts did not reinforce anything that I believed about myself.
I stopped focusing on those anxious thoughts because I needed an alternative. I wanted to be happy. I wanted the endless thought cycle in my head to chill out and I was determined to make it happen. Previously, anxiety-ridden episodes of hysterical ranting provided me with a sense of righteousness. During my tantrum I became an important actor on the stage of my life because I had no idea how to control my life. In fact, it felt beyond my control. But somehow having a strong emotion, a circling thought process in my head, that then spilled from my mouth, inflated this sense that I was engaged with my life, even if I was not in charge.
I had to decide that I was going to be in charge of everything… my thoughts and my life in order to not recharge my anxious thoughts. I know for some people medication is necessary. I don’t doubt that. But once I accepted responsibility for what I could control I found happiness and I finally had the space in my head to really listen to my children and husband and then I suddenly wanted things. I wanted to write. I wanted to share my thoughts with you.